The Problem of Being a Perfectionist

My name is Calvin and I’m a perfectionist…..

Alcoholics have their support networks, Alcoholics Anonymous perhaps being the best known and loved. When will the time come when perfectionists develop their own? Perhaps we could call it Problematic Perfectionists? Problem is, could such a network ever be good enough for perfectionists?

It’s pretty well known that living with a perfectionist can be problematic. Whatever you do is never quite good enough, or you live constantly with what Alexander Pope famously described as ‘damned with faint praise.’

Damn with Faint Praise – Alexander Pope (1734)

I recall over a decade ago that I preached a cracking sermon. (I may have preached one since but I’m not sure….) It’s the only time that I’ve experienced my sermon interrupted by a congregation breaking into spontaneous applause. So I recognised it was a well-received sermon and over the next few days people who had been in the service told me so.

However, it was only when one of my brothers, who happened to be present, said that it was a good sermon (he had to be encouraged to say this to me, though he had already said it to others) that I fully accepted that it was a good sermon. He’d heard me preach a few times previously and had been, shall we say less impressed….It meant a huge deal to me that he said it was a good sermon. Over the next day or two as I basked in the warm glow of my brother’s praise, I tried to work out why it was that it mattered to me so much that my brother thought it a great sermon, especially given that many others had already said as much to me.

It dawned on me that at least part of thew reason it mattered so much was the fact that this was the first time I could recall him paying me an unqualified compliment.

He’d certainly been complimentary before but the way I remember it, those compliments were always qualified:  “That was really good. However if you want to make it better what you could do is….”    “I like what you are doing there. One thing I think you could look at is….”   “I see what you are trying to do, and I think you are nearly there. The problem is….”

However, on this occasion there was no qualification. It was simply, “That was a good sermon.” Moreover, the fact that I learned that he was telling others that his brother had preached a good sermon meant that he was not simply being polite; he actually meant it.

My relationship with my brother began to improve after that. However, there was a lot of work to do, admittedly on both sides.

Perfectionists are  Incredibly Useful

Perfectionists I think often unjustly receive bad press. They are in fact really very useful to have around even if they can be difficult to live with. The harsh reality of the matter is this: I think the world is undoubtedly a better place because of perfectionists.

For example, if you use an iPhone be grateful that Steve Jobs, a well known and near insufferable perfectionist, existed and that his drive to improve Apple’s tech not only made iPhones better; it also required all competitor smartphones to up their game.I suggest that the next time you have to go to the dentist you probably would prefer to go to a dentist who is a perfectionist than one who’s happy with ‘good enough.’ Similarly, should you ever require surgery you’d prefer the perfectionist. And whoever is in charge of safety in our nuclear power stations I desperately want them to be a perfectionist.

Perhaps what we need is a Myers Briggs personality test for those potentially disabled by perfectionist tendencies.

Perfectionists are useful precisely because they rarely satisfied with very good; for them ‘good enough’ is virtually considered an insult! And whilst excellent is, well, excellent, it is still not quite perfect, and therefore even excellent is often not quite good enough for some perfectionists. Indeed they closer they get to perfection, the more dissatisfied perfectionists can become with the status quo.

I remember many years ago scoring 98% for Greek test whilst in College (training for ministry!!). I was deeply frustrated and went off for a sulk for the next hour or two. It remains probably the highest mark I achieved in my entire academic career.

So why was I in a hump? Because it could have been a perfect score, my only opportunity to get one, and I messed it up by mistranslating a verb that I in fact knew well in the present tense rather than past tense. So I lost 2 marks. In summary, my issue was not that my score was 98%; rather it was that it could have been 100% and I had screwed it up.

The problem with being a perfectionist is….

And that, my friend, is the problem with being a perfectionist, in a nutshell. Perfectionists are cursed with an affliction which means that they don’t easily see the 98% that is right; because they can’t take their eyes off the 2% that’s wrong.So whilst ‘normal people’ would be busy celebrating the fact that they scored their highest ever test score, the perfectionist is silently cursing the fact that the final 2% has eluded them. And whilst it doesn’t matter to anyone else, and they know it doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things, it nonetheless matters to them.

It means that perfectionists sometimes can’t fully celebrate either their achievements or those of others around them because their eyes are immediately drawn to the comparatively minor imperfections rather than to the achievements themselves.

Self-aware perfectionists recognise that this is unacceptable behaviour and learn how to celebrate with others, or at least to look like they are. However they often never quite allow themselves the same privilege.

 ‘I wondered if I might be a perfectionist but concluded I’m not good enough to be one.’

I remember having a conversation some years ago with a gifted colleague who was talking about her failings and shortcomings but not about her successes. When I asked if she might be a perfectionist her response was classic: ‘I wondered if I might be a perfectionist but concluded I’m not good enough to be one.’

An ‘Autistic Spectrum’ of Perfectionists?

I reckon that perfectionists might be ranked on a scale, perhaps a bit like people on an autistic spectrum, or with varying degrees of dyslexia.I rank myself comparatively low on the perfectionist scale. I recognise I am one but it’s not so out of control that I can’t quite function in normal society. And I am sufficiently self aware to I know that I need to moderate my behaviour. I also have people in my life who are prepared to mock my stupidity should I lose perspective.  Very helpful for regaining perspective…..

In contrast, my brother and the colleague who made that comment, I imagine might rank further along the scale than I am. And people like Steve Jobs I imagine aren’t even on the scale. They may well be beyond it. This is highly subjective, of course, and perhaps what we need is a Myers Briggs personality test for those potentially disabled by perfectionist tendencies.

My point is this: the world needs perfectionists. Their contribution to the wider society is to challenge us to raise our game, to aspire to do better and to be better, to improve performance and efficiency.

Perfectionists are cursed with an affliction which means that they don’t easily see the 98% that is right; because they can’t take their eyes off the 2% that’s wrong.

However, there is a high personal cost to them of being perfectionists, hence the problem. They so often struggle enjoy fully what they have now. They see the 2% wrong rather than the 98% right and feel an irrational and often unwelcome need to address what they see as a shortcoming in themselves and in others.

So if you have a perfectionist in your life who annoys you (don’t they all?) spare a thought for them. They are living with the problem of being a perfectionist.

Ideas for how to create an equivalent to Alcoholics Anonymous for Perfectionists on a postcard please….

Happy New Year.